FARAGE: Right, before we start this briefing, I just want to remind you that when I enter the room you should all stand up as mark of respect for your leader. And a couple verses of Land of Hope and Glory wouldn’t go amiss either.
BRAVERMAN: Oh Nigel, I always stand up for you because joining this company has been the honour of my life… Those dark days on the back benches, all I could think of was you and the great thing we…
FARAGE: Not now Suella, not now. Sit down luv. Dorries, have you taken the register?
BRAVERMAN: Oh…
DORRIES: All present, apart from Dicky Tice. He’s still in Dubai. He’s having a filter changed on his swimming pool.
ANDERSON: A filter on a swimming pool? In my day, we didn’t have filters. If the swimming pool needed cleaning, we would just shove a couple of gallons of chlorine in and that did the trick. Mind you we couldn’t see for days, and our hair fell out. But we were happy!
FARAGE: Right, what’s happening with that by-election wherever it is with what’s his name?
ZAHAWI: Not very well… I don’t think the voters like him.
JENRICK: That’s alright. I got elected and no one likes me.
ANDERSON: Liked? Liked? We’re not a party to be liked!
FARAGE: Exactly.
GULLIS: I could go and campaign. My Mum says I’m really good on the doorsteps. I’ve got a nice way with people.
ZAHAWI: Go back to your jigsaw, Gullis!
GULLIS: I’m nearly finished. It’s a picture of our Lord.
DORRIES: Jesus?
GULLIS: No, silly. The Scottish bloke Lord Awful.
FARAGE: It’s Offord! That reminds me, we’ve got the Jocks to deal with in that abomination of the Scottish Parliament. How’s that looking?
DORRIES: We’ve got a lot of candidates to put forward.
FARAGE: Well let’s make sure they’re all vetted. Bruiser, are you in charge of that?
ANDERSON: Aye, I’ll have them in and grill them. By the time I’ve finished with them they’ll know how to keep their traps shut. Have we still got the waterboard?
DORRIES: I’ve borrowed it. I’m having a party at the weekend.
FARAGE: Yes, and while I remember. Braverman and Jenrick what happened with voting on the abolishing the two-child benefit cap. You voted with the government!
BRAVERMAN: It was all so confusing. I just followed the biggest crowd. Please don’t think badly of me.
JENRICK: And I thought I was going to the toilet. Anyway, I was thinking…
ZAHAWI: Dear God!
JENRICK: Why don’t we offer the Scots independence?
FARAGE: What? Have you lost your mind?
ANDERSON: He bloody has!
JENRICK: No, listen. In big bold letters we say Reform UK Ltd supports Scottish independence.
FARAGE: I can’t believe my ears!
JENRICK: But in the small print… only ‘on a Sunday’.
POCHIN: Genius!
FARAGE: Who’s she?
ZAHAWI: Nobody knows.
FARAGE: That’s quite brilliant Jenrick…words I never thought I would say. Nobody ever reads the small print! I love it!
JENRICK: Thank you, Sir.
ANDERSON: Teacher’s bloody pet!
FARAGE. Right, anymore defections?
JENRICK: A couple of Welsh guys. Thomas and Evans.
FARAGE: Oh, I like that! Make one of them the Reform leader in Wales. That covers the ethnic stuff.
ZAHAWI: Isn’t that diversity?
FARAGE: Not if there’s nobody else to do it! Now I want more defections. I want you in the lobbies, tapping them up. Offer them posts…jobs…whatever!
DORRIES: I have had a conversation with a real big hitter. Held important offices of state. He’s very well-known and has some interesting connections.
FARAGE: Sounds good. Who?
DORRIES: Mandelson?
FARAGE: Meeting adjourned!
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