FARAGE: Settle down, settle! Gullis put your crayons away. Now, before we get down to the business of the day, you’ll have noticed we have a new member of the team, Suella Braverman! Suella welcome to Reform UK Ltd.
BRAVERMAN: Thank you, Nigel. Can I just say how proud I am, to be joining a party that believes in Britain… believes in the people of Britain and…
FARAGE: Not now Suella… not now. Sit down luv.
SUELLA: Oh… okay.
FARAGE: Right, I’ve gathered you here today because we need new ideas to drive us forward.
ANDERSON: Dog licences.
FARAGE: They went years ago, Bruiser.
ANDERSON: No… dog licences for owners who don’t own the UK’s national dog, the Bulldog! None of those namby-pamby ankle nipper dogs!
DORRIES: Hoi, I have a Miniature Schnauzer!
JENRICK: That’s not what I heard…
DORRIES: Shut it new boy!
FARAGE: Now, come on, I want policies that will resonate with our base.
GULLIS: What’s a resonate?
JENRICK: God, you are so thick, Gullis!
GULLIS: I’m not, my mum says I’m just a late developer!
KRUGER: What about conscription?
TRUSS: Oh, my husband suffers terribly from that.
TICE: Trussy, get out you’re not a member!
TRUSS: Oh…
KRUGER: No, listen to me. Conscription for… under 10s. It’s never been tried before, and it scored well with the focus groups.
ANDERSON: Bloody focus groups. We don’t have to ask anyone for their opinion, we tell them the score and that’s that. If they don’t like it, they can bugger off!
FARAGE: I like that Kruger. Nice one! Right Dorries, what have you got?
DORRIES: Well, it’s down the same road as Danny. But I was thinking of free school meals.
FARAGE: What?
DORRIES: Wait… what about taking them away? I was reading the Daily Mail yesterday and it said that we’ve got a childhood obesity problem. If we stop feeding them at school, we’ll be tackling fat kids and saving money.
JENRICK: Oh, I like that. Free school meals make schools too welcoming.
ANDERSON: Bloody brilliant is that! In my day, the only thing that was free was six of the best! And it never did me any harm.
FARAGE: Write that up Dorries. We’ll shove it on the front page of the manifesto. Any other business?
JENRICK: I was just wondering, you know, if you had got a job for me yet? I’m not being pushy, but I made very big sacrifice deforming to this company.
GULLIS: Me too… I lost everything.
FARAGE: Put the muzzle back on Gullis! So, Jenrick, which job were you thinking?
JENRICK: I thought… Chancellor… maybe?
FARAGE: Oh, did you now? Actually, I have got a role for you. Northern Ireland…
JENRICK: No… please no!
FARAGE: Yes. Right, that’s agreed. Conscription for the under 10s and abolishing free school meals to fight obesity. I don’t mind saying, jolly good work!
TICE: Are we being a bit tough on kids!
FARAGE: Too flipping true. Meeting adjourned! Pub! Gullis, it’s your round!
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