What follows is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me. This account follows a recce to the big city supermarket with a view to starting my Christmas shopping.
The first recce of the season
The health and beauty products aisle in the supermarket is not normally a priority destination in my supermarket shop. On this occasion, I was looking for some ideas for a stocking filler for the big day. The top shelf caught my eye. The blue pills I have heard about, but the spray was new to me. This brought on what only can be described as a Sir Billy Connolly moment. What would ‘The Big Yin’ make of spray-on Viagra? Where would you spray it if you bought it? What effect might it have? Might it become addictive? Would I need to purchase an antidote, something like a ‘Let’s call it a day’ spray or ‘Down Boy! Heel!’ or ‘Thank God that’s over!’ pills available at all good chemists? I fought to control my imagination as it ran riot at the thought of standing there with ‘The Big Yin’.
Bringing it all back home
On reporting my findings back to my ‘better half’, we had an interesting discussion on where you might apply the said spray. I had visions of an under the tongue application, think angina medication circa 1980s. I was assured that no, the tongue was not likely to be a recommended location for this particular spray. Not a good idea! I had thoughts of Queen Elizabeth II hospital full of guys lying on trolleys in the corridors with their tongues erect like Orca dorsal fins. Their wives and girlfriends complaining to medical staff that their men never read instructions and how this had completely ruined their family Christmas dinner.
We were clearly going to have to follow the instructions carefully if we purchased this product. If we were to proceed it would be purely in the interests of research you understand. The alternative would mean going on the internet and watching videos on sites that we don’t habitually use when the kids and grandkids are home.
On our next trip to town, we bought the said spray.
Getting through the checkouts
On adding such a product to one’s shopping trolley we now faced the issue of paying for it and getting it out the store without being recognized. You certainly don’t want to meet the vicar in the store with the magic spray rattling around in an empty trolley. So, we hid the package under the largest pack of mushrooms available (other products are also suitable). It was like being teenagers again and buying a pack of condoms. You just didn’t want to meet your Mum or your big sister on the way to the checkout.
I couldn’t face the scowl of the checkout person, think: “What! At your age! Come on! You have to be joking!” So, we checked out our own shopping on this occasion. Now, I must say that I’m not a great fan of this method of exiting a supermarket. I can never get my shopping to scan. I need the assistant by my side constantly. On this occasion, however, we were determined to make it work without help. And we did.
The Christmas shopping fallout
Now, as to the results of this trial I’m going to keep to myself. This is a husband-and-wife thing although other pairings are possible. What happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom, unless you’re into making videos, but that’s another story. I have, however, come to realise why people from our great cities seem to smile more than their upcountry cousins.
As we head towards 2026, a new supermarket is being built, courtesy of market forces, in our town. It’s due to open next summer. I wonder if the good folk of Highland Perthshire are quite ready for what is about to be available to them from their new top shelf? The 21st century is about to hit our town. As the advert says, every little helps!
Merry Christmas to you all. I hope your Christmas shopping makes you smile as much as mine has.
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