Death Café is a safe space where people meet to talk about death-related matters and to drink tea and eat cake. Death Café works to relax the taboos we have about death and encourage people to think about their own mortality and plan accordingly.
In the nearly two years since I introduced my wee Aberdeenshire town to Death Café, ‘Death what?’ has been a fairly frequent response when I introduce the topic to people. I think my own response was the same when I first heard of Death Café.
My interest in Thanatology – the study of death and dying – began, as so many things did, during lockdown, when I trained as a funeral celebrant. I found myself fascinated by the topic of death and how we as a society deal with it – or don’t! Many people don’t like or want to talk about death. Some are recently bereaved, but many are simply resistant to talking about something that remains the ‘great unknown’.
‘Death is scary. I don’t want to talk about it, it’s morbid. It makes me feel uncomfortable’.
How Death Café came about
Jon Underwood started Death Café in London in September 2011. He based his gatherings, which started in his home, on the work of the Swiss sociologist and ethnologist, Bernard Crettaz who, through his work on funeral rites and customs, challenged the taboos around death.
Essentially, it is healthier for people to talk about death and to make decisions about what they might want to happen to them after death. That said, around 70% of people don’t want to talk about death and only around 30% of people have discussed their wishes with their families.
The unpredictability of life
Sometimes, a diagnosis of a terminal illness will be the catalyst for someone to address the topic. They might need to make a will. They might have ideas about what sort of funeral they would like to have, or what music would be played. Or who is to be invited.
Death Café has grown from humble beginnings in Jon Underwood’s basement to a global phenomenon. Meetings take place in over 90 countries in person and online too. My own introduction was via online meetings, and it was fascinating to experience the range of topics that came up and to listen to others’ experiences.
Jon Underwood died in 2017 but his mother, psychotherapist Sue Barsky Reid, and sister, Jools Barsky, have gone on to carry the torch, and the Death Café has grown around the world, wherever people want to talk about death.
So, what is Death Café?
Death Café is run as a social enterprise. Anyone who has an interest can start one but, to use the Death Café name, there are certain stipulations to the way the group is run:
- No agenda, objectives or themes: A facilitator may ask some questions to spark a conversation but the topics for discussion come from the participants. There are no guest speakers.
- Not a grief support or counselling session: Death Café facilitators are mere mortals, and the cafés are perhaps not the best place for people who are recently bereaved. The facilitator will direct anyone who needs counselling to a more appropriate route.
- Group-directed discussion of death: The discussion is led by the people in the group according to what they want or need to discuss at the time.
- Not for profit: Some groups may accept donations to cover the cost of a venue and refreshments, but this will vary from café to café.
- Accessible, respectful and confidential: There is an expectation that attendees will not repeat personal information mentioned in the café.
- No intention of leading people to any conclusion, product or course of action: people can share their own opinions and experiences surrounding the multitude of death topics. Death Café should never be used to tout for business or to pressure anyone to a particular course of action.
- Refreshing drinks and nourishing food – and cake!
It is important that anyone who wants to facilitate a Death Café abides by these rules which can be found on the Death Café website.
What’s not allowed?
In the first month of starting our Death Café, I was approached by someone from a cancer charity who wanted to attend. I enquired about their interest to discover that they worked in a fundraising role, and they wanted to encourage attendees to leave bequests. They were advised that they were welcome to attend in their own capacity as a mortal, but that they would not be allowed to use the platform for raising funds. Sadly, they declined the invitation.
Although it was in training as a celebrant that my interest in Death Café was piqued, I do not work as a celebrant and there is no question of trying to drum up trade by abusing the privilege of hosting a Death Café.
Similarly, funeral directors, death doulas, hospice nurses, life planners or anyone who is involved in the “death industry” are welcome to attend Death Café but only in a personal capacity. Obviously, in sharing their experiences, their work will be mentioned and referred to, but they are not there to recruit customers.
What is Death Café doing?
Death Cafés have helped to relax the taboo of talking about death, particularly with strangers, and encouraged people to express their own wishes for when they die. The open-ended discussions also provide an avenue to express thoughts about one’s own life stirred up by the death of a family member.
Many, many topics surface in a Death Café and sometimes, the question of inheritance will be mentioned. The grief of losing a loved one is often compounded by a lack of preparation by the deceased. An unwillingness to write a will so that their estate is disbursed according to their wishes is a huge issue, particularly today in a society where multiple marriages and blended families are common. Often, the lack of a will – known as ‘intestacy’ – can lead to children being disinherited in favour of second or third spouses or other situations that the deceased would not have wanted to occur had they stopped to consider the future.
This type of situation has led to an upsurge of companies who will help you in your life planning. Individual discussions in Death Café might encourage people to use a service like this, or just to write down their wishes, but Death Café doesn’t endorse any businesses or products.
A nice cup of tea
Some people might think that the best thing about Death Café is the tea, or coffee, and cake. Some cafés supply healthier offerings but there is definitely something comforting about sharing food with strangers, especially when talking about such an important subject.
Interested in attending?
I’ve been encouraged by how willing people can be to share their death-related stories. For many, it’s a relief as they have no-one else to talk to. Admittedly, it’s taking a while to take off in my conservative part of the world but I believe that Death Café will continue, in person and online, for a very long time. Hopefully, we might one day find that the taboos which make Death Café necessary no longer hold sway.
Details of upcoming Death Cafés can be found on the website. Some are physical, but many are online – just as useful, but you make your own tea.
More in society.
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