I’ve compiled my ‘Duckit List’ for 2025. It’s late coming out this year because I’ve had so many options to consider. What follows is the antithesis of the ‘bucket list’ put together by people about the things they’d like to do before they go ‘upstairs’.
Don’t get me wrong, but I think I’ve had my share of adventure, and I’ve still got the scars and the criminal record to prove it. But I like routine, the normal things – damn it, I’m boring! And you know what? All you exotic folk wanting to see some penguins falling over on ice in their natural habitat, or wanting to see some water going over a waterfall from a great height, go and do it with my blessing. But it’s not for me; no way! So here goes with my Duckit List for the year of the things I will be ducking!
Charity parachute jumps with a little old lady
For a bit of context on this one, I used to be in the RAF. That’s right, I protected the country for 12 years; no need to thank me, I got paid to do it. But we used to look at folk jumping out of planes with a circle of cloth and some rope as if they were mad. I mean, why would you jump out of a perfectly serviceable aircraft? Why?
And then, when the lovely old lady lands and says she would like to go again, you shout, ”No!” You’ve just increased your chances of having an accident! If you really want to raise money, fill your bath with beans and have it!
In-car gesticulating can be hazardous
This is really a health and safety Duckit, mainly due to some recent road incidents, that had me put in plaster after I was a wee bit too enthusiastic with my gestures to a wrestler in a four by four with big wheels. Over the years, I have accumulated an impressive array of driving gesticulations. From the gentle shake of the head to the peep of the horn – the length of peep depends on the misdemeanour committed – to the numerous hand gestures involving one or more fingers and sometimes the arm.
Now, when I was a young man, we didn’t have road rage. Angry drivers would simply move on after having their say. Not now. These days even the gentlest of gesticulations could have you ambushed by a man covered with tattoos, carrying a crowbar, intent on rearranging your face. So that’s a big Duckit from now on for me.
Period dramas and convoluted plots
I’ve had my share of heaving bosoms and hunky men with long or bushy sideburns, clad in tight jodhpurs, riding big horses trying to look windswept and romantic! Then getting soaking wet after climbing out of a pond with no vest on! They’ll get their death of cold! And all that angst. Give me a break! Convoluted plots when folk don’t say what they want to say but can’t because it’s a six-part series, and they need to spread it out. Long driveways up to the big house. Meaningful looks and nobody finishing their dinner. Give me a car chase with a ned getting tasered after a big barney in a pub! That’s proper drama! Apologies to the folk that like Jane Eyre and that kind of genre, but I’m ducking out.
Queueing in the bathroom or at the chippie
This is one I’ve been trying to duck for years. I don’t mind queueing for the toilets usually at the football or rugby (ladies suffer more than men for this). I mean that’s where you can often strike up an interesting conversation with your fellow man as you wait for the urinal or cubicle. No, the queues I’m talking about are the ones when you go into a shop to spend money, your money in their shop and there’s a line of folk waiting to spend their money in the same shop.
Or what about airports? Queue for check-in – queue for security – then queue for the bar for a breakfast pint before take-off. In this country, we are taught how to wait your turn. But I’m at an age now when waiting is not only an inconvenience it’s also sore on my knees. So, from this moment on, if I go into the pub, the shops or the chippie and there’s a queue, I’m off! Duckit!
Sea Cruises, give ’em a wide berth
This a massive duck I will enjoy! I have no end of people saying, “You should try a cruise, you’ll love it!” No, I will not. I make the case that I don’t want to be on a boat and seeing the same faces every day, making small talk about the weather, the boat and how rough the sea is or isn’t. And then they usually say, “No there’s over three thousand folk on the boat.” That’s supposed to make me feel better? I’ve watched Titanic too many times to think I would be the one that finds the door to float on like Kate Winslet. Pound to a penny, I’d be the one with water wings that leak.
Oh and by the way, what about sea sickness? But I’m immediately countered by, “You’ll not feel a thing, the ship has stabilisers.” Well let me tell you, I used to get sea sick on the ferry crossing between Largs and Millport and the Clyde was like a mill pond! Imagine what I’d be like if I had been filling my face at the all-you-can-eat-all-day-buffet. I’d be a wreck. So, thanks for the offer, but sea cruises I’ll give them a wide berth!
I reckon if I stick to avoiding these five ducks, I’ll be a happier person and I think you would be too. Even if you only adopt one of them your life be so much better. So, in future, just duckit!
More in society.
