It began with a decision to put sausages in a tin of beans. Until that time we were all enjoying the savoury tomato treat without question, without complaint, and without issue. But one day, at Beans Are Us HQ, during the annual general meeting it happened:
‘How’s the beans sales going?’
‘Magic! The tins are flying off the shelves.’
‘Have we got enough beans to make more?’
‘Yes, no bother. Tons!’
‘Good. Well, if there’s no other matters, meeting closed.’
Then, from the back of the room, one lone voice:
‘Have you ever thought about putting sausages in the beans? Not the big ones, the wee ones.’
And that was that. Beans with sausages were taste tested, focus grouped, surveyed and finally released into the world. Suddenly there was a choice. Up and down the land, harassed mums were greeted with the cries of “Can we have the beans with the wee sausages?” From this moment, life got more complicated because we had a choice.
Stay in your own lane!
Even swimming has become more complicated. This year, I decided to take up swimming for fitness. I went first thing one morning thinking it would be quiet, but no, the pool was heaving with different shapes of folk in a variety of swimwear, some of which was under a good deal of tension!
In I went, tiptoeing through that small pool with the blue stuff that prevents verrucas and athlete’s foot, and then I realised… there was a choice of lanes! Previously you dived in, swam a couple of lengths and stopped for breather. Not anymore! There were four different lanes each suited to a different ability and swimming speed.
I have an adequate breaststroke, but couldn’t decide which lane to choose. One other newbie picked the wrong lane and the other swimmers ganged up on him, told him and his budgie smugglers to move into the slow lane. But even the slow lane looked too fast. So there and then I decided my swimming days were over. It was all too complicated.
What will you have?
Walk into any pub these days and your senses are immediately overwhelmed with beer taps lit up like the Blackpool illuminations. All you want is a pint, but no. There’s IPAs, session beers, lite lagers, strong lagers, bitters (I live in England), craft ales and stouts. And the boy behind the bar starts telling what you can expect from each one.
I couldn’t take it all in, distracted by trying to read the tattoo on his neck… something about Metallica but I couldn’t quite make it out as my eyes were still suffering from the temporary blindness caused by the intense light emitted by the taps! And after all the descriptions, he asks which one I want, and I opted for the cheapest! He was gutted and poured the lager while staring at me as if he wanted to punch my lights out. I stared back at him knowing that he probably could.
X marks the spot
Ultimately this brings me to politics. To be fair we’ve always had a choice. There are too many political parties to name here and if I didn’t mention one without mentioning the other, we’d get complaints. But you see, even within the parties there are further choices. The far-right, the far-left, the centre-right, the centre-left – the progressive left – the radical right – the progressive radicals – Pro-Brexit, Anti-Brexit. It’s all too complicated! And even when you make up your mind and vote for one party or another, there’s no guarantee that you will get what you voted for.
Stop fighting!
Internal wrangling occurs when one faction of the same party tries to get rid of the leader who got elected because he offered all his supporters a seat in the House of Commons and a book token. In the old days, all Labour had was to be pro trade unions and the Conservatives to be pro-business and the Liberal party to be pro anything nice and good for the environment. Now, in Scotland we have those three, plus the SNP, The Greens, Alba, The Party for Scotland and now Reform are pitching up. Farage’s company (registered in Companies House) appears to be making big inroads into the Scottish vote. But we should be thankful in one respect, that he’s not complicated, and we know exactly what he stands for.
So, there you have it, the next time you go into the booth to vote, and you see all names and purse your lips with anger, you can’t decide anymore what to vote for what, because it’s just too complicated! Just remember it’s down to that bloke who decided to put those wee sausages into a tin of beans.
More in society.
