For the past three weeks the church choir has been on strike. I’m not surprised it has come to this, ever since we put up the price of ‘Hire a Hymn’, a fundraising initiative, where local businesses and companies can sponsor a hymn. In return there’s one of those digital ticker tape things that go around the pulpit, promoting their company and any special offers they want to advertise. It was originally £25 a month and we had to raise it £50 due to inflation and an impending fine for proselytising in an unlicensed place (a sauna in Musselburgh).
We are the champions
We’re very proud of our choir and it has taken years to achieve the high level of performance they have attained. And we are unbeaten in four straight years at the annual ‘Pewsies’ Church of The Easily Pleased choir competition. I made the decision very early on in my tenure to assemble the very best and sent out my wife, Petula, to scout for singers and offer them incentives – the use of the motorboat at Largs and a half price main course at the local carvery, ‘Fill Yer Face’. And this tactic worked perfectly.
Get around the table
Initially, we thought the strike negotiations would lead to an agreement all parties could sign up to. But the Grand Pastor himself started taking an interest, and decided that we had to show a united front and not give into the choir’s demands. So, the conductor, Archie MacAtee, instigated rebellious acts of disobedience – refusing to sing the last verse of hymns, loud heckling during my sermon, and then finally they stood up and just mimed for the entire service.
Pitch perfect
Well, I don’t mind saying, I was furious so, in a fit of pique, I sacked them all. Needless to say, a ‘rammy‘ kicked off, particularly when I decided to bus in another choir to cover the services. Our choir was well prepared for the scab singers and had organised a picket line. They were throwing hymn sheets, and some of the things they were singing were disgraceful, but to be fair, they sang in such beautiful harmonies and were pitch perfect!
Tents
Very soon after, they erected tents and gazebos outside the church and in a blatant act of sabotage, my two-year-old Volvo with anti-skid technology and heated steering wheel, was summarily stripped of its wheels in the middle of the night and mounted on bricks. As the protest continued, the police were called and despite the use of their water cannon (acquired secondhand from the Met in London), the strikers just would not budge. My wife, Petula, in a gesture of peace, even passed amongst them with falafel and pesto wraps, but they were unimpressed, even though they scoffed the whole lot!
Ecumenical golf cart race
That night I lay awake worrying and even the best efforts of Petula, trying to calm me down by playing a tribute to the band Abba on her ukulele, didn’t help. I spoke with the Grand Pastor and he was intransigent and refused to give me any leeway to meet the rebels’ demands. We even thought about bringing in a third party and I asked my good friend, Father David, to arbitrate but unfortunately, he had been injured in a crash during the charity ecumenical golf cart race. He’s a lot better now, but his jaw is wired up, so speaking is out of the question.
The one show
We’ve tried to carry on with the services, but our sponsors were not happy and had already decided to go elsewhere. We could well do without this because we’re trying to get enough money to build an Olympic-sized heated swimming pool and carry out our baptismal duties in a bit of comfort, especially as we were hoping the high-board christenings would be our new unique selling point. The national media even turned up and I was interviewed on ‘The One Show’, in between a chap who could juggle different kinds of vegetables to the music of Beyonce. I would have preferred the ITV, because I like Robert Peston.
Neutral territory
After a series of emails, both parties agreed to meet on neutral territory and caught the ferry to Rothesay. Long, long nights of negotiations as we tried to settle the dispute. Eventually after a game of darts and a fish supper, things were looking good and a settlement seemed close. As a reward, we all decided to go on a convivial night on the town and ended up in a karaoke bar. It was a lovely night until the choir, extremely drunk, decided to have a go at a big song without proper rehearsal.
All nightmare long
And that’s when things hit the proverbial fan. They attempted singing Metallica’s classic hit, ‘All Nightmare Long’, and it was terrible! They were so out of tune, that all the seafood at the buffet went off, dogs were howling outside, and a doorman had to be resuscitated! Of course my team were helpless with laughter and that was enough to trigger a fight, and it kicked off. Suffice to say the police turned up in their riot gear, and a member of the Rothesay militia and her attack Alsatian, Margo, had to try regaining control. Needless to say, folk were arrested, and I fled to the local church and pleaded sanctuary.
The aftermath
Some of the choir pleaded guilty and are now doing community service in Lesmahagow at a garden centre. But their leader has been incarcerated until his lawyer gets back from Bali. As much as the Church of The Easily Pleased is truly forgiving, there is no way these rebel rousers are going to get their way. We will not back down, so in the meantime we’ve asked a local panpipe ensemble to provide the music, and we’ll make the best of it. Suffice to say that no one wins from obstinance apart from the panpipe ensemble who will get a share of the offerings.
Goodbye and may your God hold the door open for you.
More in society.
