It’s been a busy time for inaugurations. First it was the return of Donald J. Trump as the President of the US. And here at the Church of the Easily Pleased, we crowned our new Grand Pastor, Sir Hector Marx Devlin, known affectionally by the followers as the “High Heid Yin”. And like the American affair, there’s a lot of folderol at our inaugurations. Though we don’t attract the big celebrities to perform, we have quality entertainers for the intervals between the serious bits, mainly tribute bands and “Tricky Dicky”, the magician, who can make rabbits and pigeons appear out of the font.
It’s usually an all-day affair, with intermissions for folk to stretch their legs, have a vape and empty their bladders.
Unfortunately, things didn’t go quite to plan this time. You see, it’s been nearly 40 years since we last held an inauguration, so we were a bit rusty and some of the equipment wasn’t quite up to scratch. But we held a prayer vigil, and we prayed that the kit would be fine on the day.
We hired a big circus tent supplied by one of the congregation, a fellow who used to be Scotland’s only lion tamer, and he got us a good deal with a local showman. Many of our congregation are loaded and kindly agreed to sponsor the event as long as they got their names prominently displayed. Two of our parishioners are social media gurus; one has an alcohol delivery service known as “Blootered”, and the other is a lady who has an app for self-defence called “Skelp”. I like to encourage entrepreneurship in the church, and we run a very successful initiative called “Pay Per Pew”, where local businesses can hire a pew for their customers. These pews have a great view of the pulpit with snacks and drinks available for free, and complimentary cushions.
It all looked like things were going to plan and I was starting to feel very pleased with myself as the church elders brought the Grand Pastor into the tent, held high on the pastoral platform. The procession was accompanied by the Yoker Yodellers (the Grand Pastor is a big fan of the yodel). And, as is tradition, the congregation began chanting the creed:
“Here comes the high heid yin,
All hail the high heid yin”
Grand Pastor’s fall
This very solemn affair was interrupted by a groan and wee Dougie at the front pole fell, almost in slow motion, to the ground. This sudden imbalance triggered a series of events when the rest of the elders (they’re called elders for a reason) tried to regain equilibrium, but to no avail and tragically the Grand Pastor was quite literally fired into the pews.
Right away I signalled to the choirmaster to get a song going while we tended to the poor soul. He was very shaken by the incident and did utter some words that were perhaps unadvisable, but perfectly understandable in the predicament he found himself in. An ambulance was called, and our leader was driven away to the hospital. Gina, his lovely assistant, went with him for comfort and kept a hold of his wallet.
The good news is that he only broke three bones. The bad news is that they were big ones. The femur, the tibia and the jaw (fractured in four places), and he is currently recovering at the Church of The Easily Pleased’s nursing home in Saltcoats. But I’m proud to say that the inauguration went ahead, as we always have a stunt double available for these moments. So although the Grand Pastor wasn’t actually there himself, someone else took the oath on his behalf, as per church regulations, and Grand Pastor, Sir Hector Marx Devlin was officially installed.
Health and Safety representatives descended on the site the next day and we were all questioned just in case any sinister shenanigans had taken place. But in the end, it came down to the faulty equipment and wee Dougie, the collapsing pole bearer, having forgotten to check his blood sugar levels and being a bit hypo on the day. Though the church was exonerated, we were given another warning, and any future incidents of this nature would result in legal proceedings.
So all in all, not the greatest of outcomes but a new Grand Pastor has been installed and once he returns to full health and settles his insurance claims, I can’t wait to see him up in the pulpit giving it laldie.
And just as a postscript, President Trump, upon hearing about our situation, pardoned wee Dougie from any further legal proceedings and promised to visit the church, if we can raise enough money to meet his appearance fee.
Cheery bye and may your God keep a place in the queue for you.
More in society.
