The French philosopher and polymath Voltaire wrote “Dare to think for yourself.” I’m not sure if he would have liked Madame Web (or indeed if they’ve ever been mentioned in the same sentence), although I do have an inkling that he would have enjoyed the film’s theme of the erosion of civil liberties through surveillance technology, but regardless, that’s a decent mantra to live by.
However, you did read that title right. It was an unexpected surprise to me too. For too long, I have been unable to accept the truth. Perhaps those angry men with scowling faces on YouTube video thumbnails have all been wrong about cultural content, and they aren’t the fine, unbiased arbiters of taste I had assumed they always were. And all it took was one much maligned film.
I’ve just watched Madame Web surrounded by the slightly sad remnants of Christmas and New Year: chocolate coins, chocolate oranges, stale candy canes, the last Quality Streets no one likes, and a packet of honey-glazed almonds. Diminished reminders of brighter times.
A pleasant enough film for my surprise
I went into this film with the trepidation of a boy going over the top to no man’s land in a first-wave assault at the Somme. The usual Marvel intro montage acted as the whistle from my non-commissioned officer (NCO) as I dashed forward, not expecting to survive what was in front of me, and if I did, I would certainly be irreparably changed by the ghastly experience.
How bad would the film be? Unwatchable to the point where I abandoned it, like The Room, where I got to the 15-minute sex scene and just couldn’t cope with the utter, all-encompassing cringe? Or Plan 9 From Outer Space, where the blatant and awful shoddiness of the production made me fantasise about taking the DVD out from its tray and shooting it with a crossbow – a film so devoid of anything resembling a coherent plot that not even the lithe, wan, gothic Vampira could entice me to delve further?
Would it be so bad it’s good, like Samurai Cop, Showgirls, or Hard Ticket to Hawaii? All cult, campy classics in my humble opinion.
It was neither. Instead, to my surprise, I found a pleasant enough film, with a few elements of nostalgia that I remembered from my early 20s. A talented cast sleepwalking through their lines – but since it wasn’t Macbeth, I wasn’t bothered. I enjoyed it. Isn’t that enough sometimes? Does every experience have to be eye-opening or life-altering? Was it “An absolutely epic misfire on all levels” or “The most stupid movie for all times,” as these IMDB reviews told me? No.
A film that didn’t deserve the hate and bile it received
Was it the best acted, produced, or shot film in the history of cinema? Certainly not. Was it the Citizen Kane of superhero movies? No. Did it have a universal and heart-warming message like It’s a Wonderful Life, showing that even an individual human can be special, and their absence can have a detrimental ripple effect on others and wider society? Also an obvious no.
But did it deserve the hate and bile that it received? Also no – by quite a significant margin.
In the end, I sat there and was quietly entertained for two hours with very little hassle (I only reached for my phone once), despite being told by numerous critics, loudly, and across the entire spectrum of new and old media, that I would want to take a spoon to my ocular orbits and gouge out my eyes like the Captain on the maiden voyage in Event Horizon (if you’ve seen the film, you know the exact scene I’m referring to. If not, check it out yourself. If you don’t do body horror, then just give it a miss).
It’s entirely possible that I’m not critical enough. Maybe I should be using this space to rail against the wokeness of having a predominantly female cast, a female director, a one-dimensional male villain etc. But there’s enough of that already on YouTube.
Have your own critique and don’t listen much to the reviews
I will concede that I might have no idea how to recognise the most basic elements of cinematic language. Or worse, that I’m just hideously easy to entertain and Madame Web was the equivalent of an adult playing peek-a-boo with a baby while it laughs uncontrollably, unable to focus its eyes on anything more substantial.
But ultimately, it’s important to remember that it’s all just a bit of a grift for the majority of reviewers on YouTube. They need you to be angry to watch their videos, and once the hateful-industrial complex gains traction, no one is likely to go against the grain and post an alternative viewpoint. Worse, a centrist review entitled, “I don’t know. Make up your own mind,” is unlikely to garner many views or comments, and thus the algorithm would never pick it up.
Perhaps the solution, instead of listening to them, is just to watch, listen to, or play whatever content seems interesting and make up your own mind about it. I can guarantee that even the most objectively mediocre cultural output is probably made with more care and thought nowadays than at any point in history. Also, if you watch an online review and see even one dead-eyed Funko Pop in the background, go and do something else. Don’t encourage that behaviour in anyone over 15.
Time to make my own independent decisions
So, as I sally forth into 2025, I will make up my own goddamned mind about the cultural content I consume. I will not listen to the enraged YouTubers anymore. It’s time to make more independent decisions. I might even try out those Disney Star Wars properties that I was put off from watching. Who knows – they might be alright.
More in entertainment.
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