Let’s go live to the pitch side where our reporter, Cammy Clarke, is speaking to the boss of Reform, Nigel Farage.
CC: “Nigel it’s been another hectic week for you after another player joined you on a free transfer.”
NF: “Look, I don’t want to make a big thing out of Jenrick joining us, but he wanted to come, and he wasn’t getting a regular game with his old team. I didn’t want to deny the lad a chance to play for a better side.”
CC: “But you been critical of his playing style in the past.”
NF: “No, no! I merely said that he was a bit nasty, but I didn’t really mean that. He’s a good boy, and he wants to better himself.”
CC: “Will he still be nasty?”
NF: “Yes, but in a different coloured strip.”
CC: “He joins a long list of other free transfers from the same team. Is that unusual?”
NF: “Yes, it is but they’re coming from a team who are lacking confidence, don’t know which way to shoot and they’ve got a woman as the boss. That’s never good.”
CC: “How have the new players fitted into the team?”
NF: “Very well, very well. Sometimes, it takes new members time to adapt to the way I like to play. For instance, I play everything down the right. I’ve never liked using the left –hate the left. In fact, I’m like Starmer, I got rid of any left sided players a long while ago.”
CC: “And what do you think these new players will add, flair, skill?”
NF: “I doubt it very much, but I will say this. These are big names and hopefully they’ll bring some fans from the other lot. This isn’t a game about substance; this is game about entertainment. Give the fans what they think they want. That’s what I’m about.”
CC: “And what about Nadine Dorries, was that a mistake signing her?”
NF: “Bless her. No, I don’t think she’s a mistake. She’ll go and fight for the team in the media. She was clueless at her last club, and I said ‘“Nadine, come and be clueless at Reform”’ and she’s doing a great job.”
CC: “What about the other squad players? People you’ve had with you from your last team, the mighty UKIP. Are they resentful?”
NF: “I haven’t got a clue! And frankly, I don’t care. If they don’t like it, they can go and join that rabble who play in green! And anyway, my coach, Dicky Tice deals with the running of the team. I keep my distance in case some of them get up to no good and implicate me.”
CC: “And you signed another player on Sunday. Is he an exciting prospect?”
NF: “Have we? There are so many additions to the squad it’s hard to keep up! But I’m sure he’ll have the right attitude and background to fit right in, especially if he’s loaded.”
CC: “Are you expecting other signings?”
NF: “Ha! That would be telling. But yes… tons of them! But I have warned them the transfer deadline is up on May 6, so if they don’t join us by then I’m not interested.”
CC: “There’s also a lot of rumours about foreign investment from Russia and Elon Musk has said he wants to help you win the league.”
NF: “Look, there’s always going to be rumours.”
CC: “Are they true?”
NF: “Certainly, there’s a good chance that these rumours are true but then again they may be false. But I’m not a man who deals in the hypothetical unless I can see cash in my bank and then I’ll be believe it.”
CC: “Finally, Nigel. Will you be playing your home games at Clacton?”
NF: “Certainly not, that place is a tip!”
CC: “Thank you. Back you in the studio.”
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