Friday 16 January
I am beside myself with joy! Today I joined a new college, the Reform College, where I will be under the guidance of my hero and benefactor, Headmaster Farage. It has not been an easy decision to leave my alma mater, but I needed to go where my sensibilities were more in tune with those of my friends. I was hoping to say goodbye to Headmistress Badenoch but unfortunately, she was detained elsewhere. I suspect my decision to leave had upset her greatly and so she could not face my departure with any degree of grace. But she did arrange for my belongings to be placed on the pavement for retrieval.
That same day, Headmaster Farage welcomed me with open arms. Indeed, he was so thrilled that he took me to a social gathering where members of the press greeted me with much excitement. Many of the questions were about my departure from my previous college which I answered with some hesitancy, but luckily, Headmaster Farage batted off any silliness with great aplomb.
Saturday 17 January
That night, I slept in my new dormitory. Zahawi, in the next bed, snored for hours but sleep was a distant notion as I was overwhelmed with excitement in my new situation. The dormitory was spartan with only a large portrait of Margaret Thatcher and Donald Trump at each end and a vending machine in the middle, dispensing real ale. I didn’t indulge as I wanted to be fresh for the next day. One of the highlights of the evening was when Matron Dorries came to tuck us all in. She was particularly nice to me as it was my first night and read me extracts from her book and, although they were somewhat racy, I did tell her the narrative thrust was wonderful. This pleased her greatly.
Sunday 18 January
In the morning, I woke to the sound of the National Anthem played over the tannoy and we were ordered to carry out our ablutions and report to the grand hall for breakfast. Bruiser Anderson met me at the entrance and marched me to my table where I sat with another newbie, Master Rosindell, who also attended my previous college. He was a bit of an odd bod and had plenty to say for himself, though none of it of any real consequence. Nanny Truss served us with a huge pot of porridge and encouraged us to tuck in.
“There ain’t huffing else to eat! Fill yer boots!”
After breakfast we were shepherded into the assembly hall where duties were assigned for the day. My task was to bone up for the interviews I would have with do with the media on Monday. Who I was speaking to… what were the topics… things not to say. I don’t mind admitting I was a bit trepidatious, but Head Boy, Dicky Tice, reassured me I would be fine and that, if I didn’t know the answer, I should just blame the right-wing press.
Monday 19 January
Monday came and I was thrust into the media spotlight, appearing on Sky News, the BBC, and even GMB on ITV. I must admit I have a crush on the delicious Susanna Reid who is divine, and I would leave my current wife in a heartbeat if I thought Susanna would run away with me. Dicky Tice and never left my side and seemed happy with my performance although he did warn me about my tendency to be a bit of a ‘nancy boy’, which I didn’t quite understand but suspect was something to do with my tie choice?
Wednesday 21 January
Today, I was allowed into the debate chamber with all my new friends. Mr Farage had other engagements, so I sat between Bruiser and Dicky Tice. It was the first time I have seen my friends from my old college, and I waved to them, although seems they were too preoccupied with the debate in hand to acknowledge me.
Today the leader of another college, the Labour college, had to answer questions. It wasn’t very interesting, so I tried to ask a question but the chap at the end of the chamber ignored me.
All in all, it’s been a wonderful week, and I’ve made lots of new friends and some have asked me do their laundry and make their beds, which I am more than happy to do. If I’m lucky I might be asked to decorate the dorm and make it a more welcoming place. I’m off to bed now and Matron Dorries has promised another chapter of her book… sweet dreams!
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