FARAGE: (On the phone) Look Liz, we don’t want you…yes, I saw the picture with you and Trump but that’s not enough, luv. The only way you can join us Lizzy baby, is to SHOW ME THE MONEY! Goodbye.
DORRIES: Why don’t you just ignore her?
FARAGE: Because Dorries, one day she might just show me the money. Right let’s crack on. Is everyone here?
DORRIES: Except for Dicky Tice, he’s gone back to Dubai. He’s sulking because you didn’t make him Shadow Chancellor.
JENRICK: Did someone say Shadow Chancellor?
KRUGER: Shut it Jenrick. Nobody likes a smart Alec!
FARAGE: Kruger, I forgot about you. Are you still in the party?
KRUGER: Which one?
BRAVERMAN: Nigel, can I just say that is the privilege of a lifetime to be in your cabinet. I have many policies…
FARAGE: Not now Luv… sit down. How are the plans going with this by-election with whatshisname?
ANDERSON: Matt Goodwin. It’s rubbish! The Greens are ahead in the polls. The wazzock has been talking about his policies.
FARAGE: No!
ANDERSON: Aye, he wants to give tax relief for women who have more babies and raise the tax for them that don’t.
FARAGE: Actually, that sounds rather good.
ZAHAWI: But we also want to bring back the two-child benefit cap. How do we square that with the voters?
FARAGE: We don’t have to square anything! We’re Reform UK Ltd. People don’t vote for us because of policies. They vote for us because of me!
POCHIN: Hear…hear!
FARAGE: Who’s she?
DORRIES: Nobody knows.
GULLIS: Captain Farage, I was wondering if you have a job for me in the cabinet thingy?
ANDERSON: What the bloody hell could you bring to government?
GULLIS: I used to be a teacher. I was good at the teaching. I could be the boss of education.
FARAGE: Hmmm… interesting. Okay Gullis, you can do it. Off you pop and keep your mouth shut!
GULLIS: Wait till my mum hears, she’ll be ever so pleased. Thank you, Captain Farage.
ANDERSON: I don’t know why we bother with this bloody education lark. I never had no education! I was down the pits at the age of three, a 24-hour shift, bread and dripping for tea if we were lucky! And I never read a book in my bloody life!
JENRICK: That doesn’t surprise us in the least.
ANDERSON: Shut it you or you’ll get my size 12 right up your ar…
ZAHAWI: Any news on the candidates for the jock elections in May?
FARAGE: Yes…
DORRIES: We haven’t got any.
FARAGE: We have, but we don’t quite know their names yet…
DORRIES: I could stand. I love wearing tartan and I’ve seen pictures of Edinburgh.
FARAGE: Leave it for now. Besides they’ve got that proportional representation thing.
ZAHAWI: What is that exactly?
JENRICK: Nobody knows.
FARAGE: Right, are we done?
DORRIES: There is one other thing…
FARAGE: What?
DORRIES: Andrew.
FARAGE: I’ve never met the man. I’ve never been on a plane with him. I’ve never visited any islands; I don’t like islands apart from dear Old Blighty! He never donated to the party. If anyone even hints that I knew what he was up to, I’ll sue!
DORRIES: No, I was going to ask if we should send him a birthday card?
FARAGE: Certainly! He’s the King’s brother!
DORRIES: Do we have his current address?
FARAGE: Send it to the Old Bailey. They’ll pass it on. Meeting adjourned. Pub!
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