FARAGE: Bring him in Bruiser!
ANDERSON: Come on you! You’re a disgrace to the party!
GOODWIN: Ow…you’re hurting me!
FARAGE: Sit down! Take his blindfold off.
GULLIS: That’s my scarf! My mum knitted that. She won’t be best pleased, Captain Farage.
FARAGE: Get back to your colouring in, Gullis. So, Goodwin, we give you a prime target and you royally cocked it up.
GOODWIN: I did my best. But the Greens were cheating! They managed to get people to vote for them. They split the protest vote! That’s not fair.
FARAGE: Not good enough! You worry me Goodwin, with all your education. I don’t like education, not in this party. But I’m going to give you another chance to get elected.
GOODWIN: Oh? Thank you.
FARAGE: Yes… Scotland.
GOODWIN: Not Scotland!
FARAGE: Yes, the Jock elections, but I’m changing your name to MacGoodwin. They’ll love that up there!
GOODWIN: No!
FARAGE: Take him away. Right, Dorries what’s on the agenda? Is Dicky Tice here?
TICE: Yes, I’m here.
JENRICK: Why are you hiding under the desk with your helmet and bulletproof vest on?
ZAHAWI: Yeah, you’re usually skiving off to Dubai.
TICE: I wanted to be here with my friends, and it’s a bit hot in Dubai at the moment.
BRAVERMAN: Nigel, I’ve written down some ideas that you may like to look at. It is still the honour of my…
FARAGE: Not now Braverman. Sit down luv, there’s a good girl.
BRAVERMAN: Oh.
JENRICK: If I was to say to ‘MAGA’ what would you say?
FARAGE: I would say, we can’t nick anymore ideas from Trump.
JENRICK: Yes, but my MAGA stands for… Make Austerity Great Again!
POCHIN: What a jolly good idea.
FARAGE: Who’s she?
DORRIES: Nobody knows.
JENRICK: You see, Cameron and Osborne gave poverty a bad name. But Reform UK Ltd can show that poverty can really be an attractive proposition for the poor. But make them think it’s their idea… ‘Poverty. The people’s choice’.
ZAHAWI: About time! The poor have never had is so good.
TICE: And I was thinking about all these worker rights and stuff like that. We should stop it right away. And I want to tackle the minimum wage.
ANDERSON: Bloody minimum wage! No such thing when I was down the pits. We worked for bugger-all and we were proud of it! In fact, we paid to work at the coal face. Up to our armpits in water, roof’s collapsing all around us. But we knew our place. Work! Never did me any harm!
TICE: Cool story bro. But I want to suggest something much more radical. The maximum wage!
FARAGE: Go on…
TICE: We tell all the employers how much they are allowed to pay their workers and if they go over that amount by one penny, we lock them and throw away the key.
ZAHAWI: £2.50 an hour. That should be enough for their beer and fags.
DORRIES: And what about tax?
ZAHAWI: I’ve paid everything I owed! Damn it!
DORRIES: No, not you! Taxing the workers, you idiot.
TICE: Oh yes, we’ll still tax them. For the good of the country, of course.
FARAGE: Good work. Now, one last thing. I propose to ban foreign citizens from voting at any further elections.
DORRIES: Wonderful.
FARAGE: Yes, it is. I amaze myself sometimes.
JENRICK: Just one problem.
FARAGE: Yes?
JENRICK: Isn’t your partner foreign?
FARAGE: Hmmm… yes. But in true Reform Party style we will be lenient for those who deserve it and make a sacrifice for the country.
DORRIES: Sleeping with you… that’s sacrifice enough.
FARAGE: Right, meeting adjourned! Pub.
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